I wanted to submit a video about my "Hate Dress" to the UAL Future Fashion Film Festival and also for personal documentation purposes, as it will be useful for further dissemination about the project. My initial plan was to take the dress to CSM to get it photographed in the studios (like we did for the Low Residency) and to do some filming with my videographer at the same time. However, after contacting the photography team I was informed that my videographer wouldnt be allowed in the studios, I'd have to take the photos myself and undertake some training - it all seemed tiresome and impractical, so I abandoned that idea. Instead me and Jeff arranged to go to CSM for a few hours to film the footage and Jeff took some stills inside the building - which I think turned out pretty nice and are less sterile than photo studio shots.
We had a university bureaucracy moment trying to get Jeff into the building. My tutor had told me I should be able to get him a visitor pass at reception, but they've recently brought in a rule that a request has to be made by teaching staff via email to put the visitors name on an authorised list. Thankfully, when I messaged Jonathan he replied immediately and sorted it out for us. Once we were inside the building I headed to the disabled loos to get changed into the dress (which takes up the entirety of my largest suitcase) - I felt bad for using the disabled facilities for so long (it's quite a lengthy battle to get into this dress) but there was zero chance of me being able to do it in a normal sized cubicle. Jeff clearly got bored by the time it took as he had befriended the security guard by the time I came out - who kindly agreed to watch our bags/suitcase whilst we did the filming. I had to ask Jeff to tue the ribbons up at the back because I cannot do that bit myself.
Walking around the building was quite hilarious, and near impossible with the suitcase which Jeff took from me - as I keep tripping over the fabric or getting it caught in the wheels. We filmed some footage in the Street initially; close ups and wider shots of the dress, some with me spinning around. We tried to stretch the fabric in different directions so the text was more clearly legible - I like how the dress causes the hateful words to merge into incomprehensible folds of mindless, meaningless blabber.
The we filmed some footage of me performing the song 'A Thread of Empathy' on the piano - because some of the specific lyrics work really well with the "Hate Dress" concept - we made multiple recordings of these specific lines (some with the radio mic and some without) to ensure we get at least one good option, where the piano and vocal levels are balanced. Whilst I was performing, some MA students stopped and asked if they could take some photos of my dress - they were full of praise and compliments which was really lovely:
'The cruelty of words,
Can leave you scarred and so alone,
A patchwork of memories,
In the darkness you have sewn,
Each tattered fragment,
Stitched together, laid on your bed,
And as you dream,
Soothe the storm that’s in your head'
'I can teach you,
How to take a thread of empathy and let them be,
I can help you, to dry your eyes,
So, you can see, you have to let them be,
I can’t change you, but I can show you,
How to be free, and how to let them be'
'You can learn from their hatred,
How to be kind, how to be strong
You can learn,
How to be kind, how to be strong'
After we had finished with the piano, we headed upstairs to record some "talking head" footage for the video, so the video functions more like a documentary explaining the context behind the work and how I made it. We took the lift to the 3rd floor, since negotiating the stairs was a nightmare and going up nigh-on impossible - and I very unelegantly crab-walked down to the mid stair-well balcony. We tried filming a run through of the song on the guitar, for additional options - but it became apparent that the cold building had aggravated my asthma and I was struggling to sing by this point - and annoyingly I had left my steroid inhaler in the bag with the security guard. So, we just filmed a couple of lines and moved onto the talking.
I hadn't pre-prepared what I was going to say, as I wanted it to come over conversational and fluid - not like a pre-scripted monologue. Although I should really have thought a bit more about what I was going to say in advance, because I thought of several things afterwards which I wish I had said. I tried to cover the context behind the dress, my experience of trolling and the impact it has had on my mental health. Then I explained about how the MA course and specifically the reflective blog helped me to process and understand the abuse and channel it into a creative outcome that was empowering for me. I also explained about the process of making the dress and why I had used the ribbons to hold it together - and my aspiration to deconstruct the dress in a performance. I finished by talking about what I hoped the dress achieves - to inspire others to speak out and not be silenced by trolling or fear of online abuse - not to shy away from the fact that it will probably happen but to show how this "negative" engagement can be channelled into something that is positive and empowering.
After we had finished we headed back down in the lifts, another group of students stopped to tell me how much they loved the dress. It made me realise how attention-grabbing it is, and its power in evoking a response in people - I especially love that it is so big and cumbersome, because it represents my right to take up space. When the trolling tries to silence me and make me feel small - the dress counteracts that by being loud and taking up space.
I got changed out of the dress into some much warmer clothes and we headed to the canteen for an hour or so before the Grotto print show opened. It was really nice to catch up with Jeff and his upcoming travel plans (he drives everywhere in an electric vehicle rather than taking flights) and his work at the RSPB. I don't know if it was my general state of exhaustion, or the loud music in the canteen or the combination of the two - but I started to get a headache and abandoned my plans to hang around later in the evening than the first off-peak train I could catch home at 7pm.
It gave me enough time to check out the print sale in the Crossing and at Coal Drops Yard before I left. I tried for ages to get a photo of Alex's Santa with both the elevator eyes visible but this was the best I managed.
I think Jeff enjoyed the experience despite me making him work incredibly hard and the 'insight into the creative world' - as he put it.
In the end my train was delayed so I didn't get home until 10pm - to a very distressed, squealing kitten. I felt really guilty for having left her all day, so I wasn't aware that she had been scratching her neck due to irritation after her vaccine and had caused herself quite a bad injury. She was very agitated all night, crying out, twitching and scratching - so we didn't get much sleep. I headed to the pet store first thing in the morning to get some antibiotic powder, skin ointment, "the cone of shame" and some bandages to wrap up her claws to help the wound to heal.
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