I've been somewhat obsessively watching Dr Ramani Durvasula's Youtube channel trying to make sense of past relationships and the impact it has had on my mental and physical health. So, it was only natural that I bought her book, 'It’s Not You – How to Identify and Heal from NARCISSISTIC People' - so much of which resonated with me and my understanding of the world. It was also useful in the context of my research paper, in which I am looking at psychological manipualtion tactics - so I've made notes of key quotes below. It's given me a couple of ideas for text based artworks as well, most notably the idea if creating a "doormat".
Key Quotes
‘all of them felt they were to blame for their situations – they doubted themselves, ruminated, felt ashamed, were psychologically isolated, confused, and helpless. Increasingly, they censored themselves in these relationships and became progressively more numb and lives.’ (page xx)
‘Narcissistic people need validation and admiration, and this need motivates much of their behaviour. They seek out status, compliments, excessive recognition, and attention, and this may happen through ostentatious wealth, physical appearance, friends who fawn over them, or social media likes and follows. This validation from other people or the world at large, whatever form it takes, is called narcissistic supply. Their moods can turn rather dark, and they can become irritable, resentful, sullen, and aggrieved when they do not get the validation or supply they feel entitled to. Anyone around them must bring supply or face their wrath.’ (page 6)
‘Entitlement is a core pattern of narcissism, and one of the most problematic. Theories of narcissism suggest that entitlement may be the core pillar of this personality style and that all other dynamics tie back to it. Narcissistic people believe that they are special, must be given special treatment, can only be truly understood by other special people, and that the rules should not apply to them.’ (page 9)
‘Because they are aware enough to know that their behaviour is inappropriate, they do it out of sight of others, which can leave you with no support. As a result, they are often a devil at home and an angel in the street… This two-faced mask-on-mask-off behaviour is a trademark of the moderate narcissist. People will see a relatively composed and charming person in public, which is a complete disconnect from what you are experiencing in private.’ (page 17)
‘a mild communal narcissist may be a preachy, exercise – and health-obsessed person who proclaims positivity but is very judgemental of her friends and family, while a severe communal narcissist may be a cult leader.’ (page 17)
‘Malignant narcissism represents the dark tetrad, which is the cross-roads of narcissism, psychopathy, sadism and Machiavellianism or the willingness to use and exploit other people. The malignant narcissist is only differentiated from the psychopath in that the malignant narcissist still has that nagging insecurity and sense of inadequacy, which they compensate for through domination, while the psychopath doesn’t experience the anxiety we observe in narcissism.’ (page 24)
‘Narcissistic patterns and behaviours such as delusional grandiosity or the framing of cruel discourse as “straight talk” are becoming more normalised in the world at large, so many more people are getting harmed by them, which makes clarity even more essential.’ (page 29)
‘Gaslighting is a centrepiece of narcissistic abuse and operates through a systematic pattern of generating doubt about your experiences, memory, perception, judgement, and emotions.’ (page 43)
‘Narcissistic people may imply that you “owe” them something, with narcissistic parents even implying that you “owe” them something because they fed and housed you. The exploitativeness means that there will be a psychological debt that is created if you ever accept a favour, and in the future if you feel uncomfortable with something the narcissistic person is asking of you, they will remind you of what they have done for you in the past.’ (page 49)
‘Narcissistic abuse is about domination, which counterbalances the inadequacy and insecurity that are at the core of the narcissistic personality… The control extends to isolation. Narcissistic abuse often consists of the narcissistic person criticising your family, friends, and workplace, and when you are with those people, the narcissist will behave in a manner that is insulting and rude.’ (pages 50-51)
‘Narcissistic folks love a fight, debate, argument, or any other form of conflict. Arguing gives them another way to get supply, let out some steam, air their grievances, and remain dominant. It’s like the aphorism “Never wrestle with a pig – you end up dirty, and the pig likes it.”’ (page 52)
‘Blame shifting is frequently supported by justification. Justifying and rationalising are key elements of narcissistic abuse and are related to patterns such as gaslighting, manipulation, and denial.’ (page 53)
‘Narcissism as a personality style is about transactional intimacy – narcissistic people give time or closeness only when there is a tangible payout (narcissistic supply). This means that narcissistic abuse is only about deprivation – of intimacy, time, closeness, attention, and love.’ (page 56)
‘Childhood with a narcissistic parent means unpredictability, confusion, and conditional love. The narcissistic parent is simply not attuned to the child as a distinct person with needs, identity and personhood separate from them, and these are not things the child can ask for directly. Children in trauma-bonded relationships learn to justify and normalise their parents’ invalidating and unattuned behaviour, can’t process or acknowledge it as “bad”, keep secrets, blame themselves, deny their own needs, and idealise their parents in order to survive’. (Page 76)
‘some of us may feel like we no longer recognise ourselves, or that whatever aspirations or hopes we had for the future are largely dashed. In this phase, you may be experiencing panic and other patterns we observe in post-traumatic stress, including avoidance, nightmares, and hypervigilance.’ (page 87)
‘Then there is the confusion that comes from triangulation, which is a form of manipulation that involves pitting people against each other and using indirect communication, such as talking behind people’s backs instead of communicating directly with someone.’ (page 102)
‘Mental health issues such as panic, anxiety, and depression may co-occur with the fallout of narcissistic abuse. These may be issues that predated and were then worsened by the narcissistic abuse (for example, you had a preexisting history of depression before you got into the narcissistic relationship), or issues that may have been activated by the narcissistic abuse 9for example, you develop an anxiety disorder after experiencing a narcissistic relationship).’ (page 105)
‘Being in one of these relationships is stressful, and stress affects your health in a variety of ways, such as headaches, muscle tension, and diminished immune function, ehich can make you more vulnerable to illness. If you have preexisting health conditions, asthma, or diabetes, stress can exacerbate your illness.’ (Page 106)
‘Narcissistic folks are more likely to feel inconvenienced by your health issues – they do not like infirmity or other reminders of human frailty or mortality, and they are too selfish and impatient to engage in compassionate and sustained caregiving.’ (page 108)
‘Your empathy makes you extremely vulnerable to the narcissistic relationship cycles of idealisation, devaluation, apologies, and justifications, and positions you as a great source of narcissistic supply. Empathetic people give second chances, forgive, and always attempt to see the other person’s point of view.’ (page 122)
‘If you have a history of trauma, you may judge your reactions and gaslight yourself (I think I am overreacting to a person yelling at me) instead of recognising that the way the body and mid hold trauma and emotional pain mean that the rhythms of a narcissistic relationship can take an even more profound toll on you.’ (page 131)
‘Over-apologising is usually a response to gaslighting, and it causes you to gaslight yourself. Find another way to communicate without the apology. Apologies are for when you do something wrong. Having a feeling, an experience, or not agreeing with someone’s distortion of you reality is not “wrong”.’ (page 217)
‘Narcissistic relationships are joy stealers: while you are in them, happiness, safety, and comfort are lacking, and you expend most of your energy on trying to avoid threats instead of noticing passing moments of beauty… Allowing yourself to experience joy is a highly effective form of narcissistic resistance.’ (page 239)
‘it is crucial to recognise that these relationships require you to reshape your identity to survive, or even that your identity was shaped by these relationships in the first place.’ (page 253)
‘A narcissistic relationship can be a master class in your own potential, a reminder that you are worth fighting for, you are lovable, you have an identity outside of this relationship, and you can dump the worn fairy tales and rewrite your narratives.’ (page 283)
‘Narcissistic relationships teach us that our needs are irrelevant, and we grow to believe that the other person’s needs and wants are our needs and wants.’ (page 286)
‘There is even a name for all of this: the doormat effect, which states that forgiving a less-agreeable partner who has behaved badly negatively affects self-respect. When we do account for repeat offenders and disagreeable personalities, research suggests that it would be better for your well-being if you didn’t forgive.’ (page 292)
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