Key Quotes
Preface (Focuses on male narcisstic abuse)
‘These men will often place women on a pedestal. Yet this idolisation reflects his projected narrative, not our humanity… We may then internalise the ways we fall from pedestals when unable to reflect their projections.’ (page 8)
‘These men will be unable to maintain healthy equal relationships with them because of their limited capacity to view women outside of the boxes they’ve created. They cannot hold space for anything outside of their crude caricature of us, unable to truly see their female partners so reject nuance and complexity.’ (page 9)
‘It is in the grasps of these relationships that the very essence of our identity can be eroded, leaving scars that take years to heal.’ (page 9)
Chapters (Gender-neutral narcisstic abuse)
‘An abuser can be defined as someone who inflicts cruelty or harm upon another. Expanding on this definition, an abuser is an individual who repeatedly seeks to assert control in the power dynamics of intimate relationships.’ (page 2)
‘Covert abuse erodes a victim’s self-esteem through tactics like constant criticism, manipulating, belittling, degrading all while using body language to convey superiority, disgust or anger… Unlike overt physical violence or verbal aggression, covert abuse relies on more understated tactics to gradually undermine a victim’s confidence, perception of reality, and sense of self-worth.’ (page 3)
‘Examples of covert abuse may include continuous criticism, one sided power plays, belittling, manipulation, emotional unkindness or jokes made at your expense. While these may not appear deeply harmful individually, their persistent and callous nature combined with the difficulty in identifying and avoiding them, leads to significant psychological deterioration. This type of abuse is often described as death by one thousand paper cuts.’ (page 6)
‘The numerous subtle yet significant patters can leave someone feeling perpetually inadequate and “not good enough”. This situation is far more precarious than it may seem initially, as it can lead a person to internalise a belief that they are inherently flawed.’ (page 7)
‘when an abuser responds with, “I don’t see my actions as abusive” they are not only invalidating the victim’s experience but essentially making themselves the judge and jury over what constitutes abuse.’ (page 10)
‘While it may seem like explaining to them will help the situation, after all, relationships are about communication right? This is only the case in healthy, non-toxic relationships. Instead of accountability and repair abusers commonly debate with you or manipulate you during these moments intended for communication and vulnerability.’ (page 16)
‘in situations where you hold others accountable, it’s important to reject discussions about their intentions. These conversations only serve to validate the perpetrators’ emotions and egos.’ (page 17)
‘The ultimate aim of ambient abuse is to assert control over the victim by systematically eroding their sense of self-worth. Gradually, the covert abuser chips away at their victim’s self-confidence, leading victims to doubt the truth and objective reality.’ (page 22)
‘they may continuously disparage the victim’s housework efforts, dismissing the as inadequate or not up to a certain standard deemed as “proper”. The abuser moves the goalposts, and constantly finds fault, ensuring the victim knows. No matter how earnestly they strive to meet their abuser’s demands, the abuser will insist they are not doing enough’ (pages 23-34)
‘The covert abuser wields disinterest and annoyance as powerful instruments of manipulation. During the partner’s sincere attempts to engage them in meaningful discussions, the abuser deploys eye-rolling and a façade of disinterest, making it clear their unwillingness to partake in the dialogue or address certain sensitive matters.’ (page 28)
‘The covert abuser employs a seemingly light-hearted and joking manner to belittle the victim, even doing so in the presence of others, which makes their comments all the more hurtful and demeaning.’ (page 30)
‘The consequence of this dramatic change of emotional starvation is a gradual erosion of the victim’s self-esteem and self-worth.’ (page 37)
‘The relentless criticism instils doubt in the victim’s self-worth, negatively impacting their perception of themselves both mentally and physically. As a result, they find it increasingly challenging to make decisions or take risks due to a crippling fear of failure by not meeting the abuser’s expectations.’ (page 39)
‘This persistent stress has tangible effects on physical health, leading to issues like headaches, stomach-aches, sleep disturbances, fatigue, and even suppression of the immune system.’ (page 40)
‘This conditioning through punishment allows the abuser to gradually “mold” the victim’s behaviour as they desire. The victim shrinks themselves in attempts to avoid criticism, blame or anger from their partner. They change to align with what the abuser wants, surrendering their autonomy.’ (page 41)
‘When wielded “emotional unkindness” inflicts a deep rupture of trust within a relationship and inflicts psychological and emotional harm on the victim… Additionally, denying or minimising the harm inflicted, or even blaming the victim for their own suffering further cultivates an environment of emotional hostility.’ (page 44)
‘The methods used to sustain control are extensive and psychologically damaging. Tactics include sowing confusion, guilt trips, persistently questioning judgement, and deceitful manipulation.’ (page 46)
‘The impact of enduring these manipulative power games is devastating. Victims are left grappling with erosion of self-worth, independence, and emotional exhaustion from the relentless psychological warfare. The abuser’s priority of control over care inflicts deep damage.’ (page 47)
‘Deprivation takes a particularly sinister form as the abuser restricts fundamental necessities, including sleep, food, or healthcare. This calculated manipulation leaves the victim in a state of vulnerability and dependence.’ (page 52)
‘Degradation also includes body shaming and controlling behaviours, such as dictating attire choices, further perpetuating the victim’s vulnerability.’ (page 53).
‘If fear is your vulnerability, they might create an environment of anxiety, where you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. They may employ threats or use passive-aggressive comments that undermine your self-esteem or abilities, exploiting your insecurities.’ (page 77)
‘A person displaying cold rage may employ the silent treatment which is a form of emotional abuse, involving the calculated use of silence and withdrawal as tools for punishment and manipulation. The covert abuser employs tactics such as passive-aggressive comments, sulking ignoring, and stonewalling, silent treatment and cold indifference to induce confusion and frustration in their victims.’ (page 86)
‘Covert abusers use a tactic called “negging” as a form of emotional manipulation. The goal of negging is to undermine a victim’s self-confidence through backhanded compliments or subtle insults.’ (page 87)
‘Belittling is a common tactic used by covert abusers to erode their victim’s self-esteem and sense of worth. Through subtle remarks, sarcasm, and condescending tones, abusers aim to make their victims feel small and insignificant.’ (page 87)
‘abusers may intensify their abusive behaviours when their partner is sick, ill or in a vulnerable state. Illness can make individuals feel vulnerable and reliant on others for support and care. Abusers may exploit this vulnerability to assert power and control over their partner.’ (page 101)
‘After the relationship they may also experience “delayed realisation” a phenomena where the victim fails to recognise the severity of the abusive relationship until far after it’s ended.’ Page 103)
‘I often advocate to my clients and fellow survivors to avoid entering couples counselling when dealing with an adept manipulator and narcisstic abuser.’ (page 112)
‘Cognitive empathy diverges fundamentally from emotional empathy, as the former lacks the genuine intent to forge profound connections.’ (page 140)
‘A key aspect of narcisstic behaviour is the presence of discontinuous memory. They have difficulty retaining continuous memories, resulting in an inability to form true love and attachments.’ (page 145)
‘Survivors of narcisstic abuse require comprehensive support and understanding to navigate the complexities of cognitive dissonance and its aftermath. The unique trauma inflicted by pathological relationships necessitates specialised therapeutic approaches.’ (page 158)
‘The alternating cruelty and kindness of the abuser creates an addictive attachment for the victim. The abuse erodes the victim’s self-worth over time. The victim blames themselves and makes excuses for their abuser’s behaviour.’ ( page 165)
The Myth of Narcissus and Echo
‘By examining the story’s elements, we can gain insights into the intricate and often destructive dynamics that can unfold between these two personality types… Narcissus rejected Echo and declared his preference for solitude. Devastated, Echo pleaded for his love but was met with harsh rejections. Echo’s heart grew heavy, her body frail, until all that remained was her voice, echoing through vast and desolate places… Enchanted by his own likeness Narcissus became fixated… Many would assume that this means he was vain and in love with himself. However, narcissus believed that he was staring and in love with another person… This is a wonderful representation of the narcissist’s strive for ideal love and perfection that may not exist.’ (pages 177 -180)
Border Line Personality Disorder
‘Self-direction: Goal-setting based on gaining approval from others; personal standards are unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional, or too low based on a sense of entitlement’‘Intimacy: Relationships largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in other’s experiences and predominance of a need for personal gain.’
‘Grandiosity: Feelings of entitlement, either overt or covert; self-centredness; firmly holding to the belief that one is better than others; condescending towards others.’ (page184)
‘As you waken to the reality of abusive patterns and move away from denial, it is important to focus on a person’s actions rather than their words. This will provide valuable insight into their true motivations and intentions.’ (page 193)
‘Abusers know just how far they can push you before backing off and then switching back to loving behaviours. Abuse is gradual, and the stakes incrementally get higher.’ (page 199)
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