Jonathan started in the usual way by asking me how I was and responded to my lacklustre “I’m okay”, with “that doesn’t sound very enthusiastic”. Which was a fair comment, but I decided not to elaborate on the poor state of my mental health in the last month; largely due to overworking, physical health issues and difficulties in my personal life. I thought it was better to focus on the art.

He asked me what I was struggling with the most, and I shrugged the question off with “nothing really, I think I am on top of things”. One of the main benefits of over-working is that you can at least gain a sense of control and pride in one aspect of your life. But perhaps this started off the tutorial on the wrong foot - by not acknowledging any vulnerabilities or weaknesses, this perhaps put me in a rigid frame of mind where I wasn’t open to new suggestions, ideas or considerations.

Most of the conversation centred around my identity research project, since this is my current focus and needs to be prioritised for the remainder of the course if I am to deliver all of the outputs which I have planned. I commented that I was perhaps being too focussed and rigid with my plan, but that I felt like I had done a lot of experimental exploration in the first year of the MA and now seemed like the right time to focus on a planned course of activity. That’s not to say I am entirely closed off to other creative activities but my desire to execute this project, as I have envisaged it (and deliver the outputs I have promised to my research participants), is tantamount. We discussed the oil portraits, which I am currently working on due to the drying time required for the different sections. I complained about the time, concentration and effort required to paint the straight vertical lines – and Jonathan asked why they had to be straight lines? My initial answer was that it was an aesthetic preference, I had done three test portraits and the one with the straight vertical lines and splatters overlayed looked most impactful. But then I recalled a reflection I had had, that combining the straight lines with the splatters could allude to the balancing act between the attempt to create structure, routine and plans in your life and that which you cannot control; the crazy, unpredictable chaos of life. I also like how the paintings look alongside each other as the bands of vertical lines have an optical-illusion effect, creating a sense of instability and motion, which is simultaneously compelling and unnerving. He asked about the flags and I said that I hadn’t started work on them yet as the oil portraits needed adequate time to dry, but that I would get to it. I emphasised that the flags were quite experimental and I wasn’t sure if they would work, since there has been some resistance from my participants to the concept of an individual flag to represent their identity – but that I might learn something from the exploration and the conversations it provokes. We discussed the display of the portraits, the flags and the quotes from the interviews – I admitted that I hadn’t really thought through how they would be presented in a physical space but that I needed to and will put some consideration into that once all the content is created and I can envisage it better. We also discussed my idea for a book, to document the project outputs – Jonathan asked whether I was intending it to be a large print run for mass-dissemination or more of a limited edition, one-off piece of “book art”. I laughed, “I’m a propagandist – of course I’m going for mass-dissemination”. I want the book to act as a supplementary resource to provide additional context to the project outputs, but I emphasised that the book was not the “end game” – the portraits and flags are the end game.

Jonathan was very intrigued by my potato painting – or “potainting” as I now call it. I explained that it was a playful response to the troll comment “How’s the potato

Painting going? Have you considered gainful employment?” and was mainly providing me with a creative activity to relieve the concentration required for my work on the research project. Jonathan stated that this was important and would help me with enduring the tedium of painting the straight lines. I explained that the potato painting was a development on my previous abstract painting, but inspired by the troll comment, I was exploring the different marks which could be created with a wedge of potato instead of a conventional brush. I added that “potato painting” is actually a misnomer because primary school children are actually printing with potatoes not painting. I felt like the first ones I made weren’t great, but that I have been steadily improving in my skill and ability to achieve interesting marks and effects. I highlighted my most recent “potaintings” which had gone down really well with my Facebook followers – with one receiving 60 comments. I reflected that I had taken this negative engagement ie. the troll’s comment which aimed to mock and silence me, and channelled it firstly, into beautiful pieces of creative work and secondly, into positive engagement on my social media – the very definition of empowerment. I related this back to my focus on oppression and abuse of power in my research paper and other creative work. Jonathan asked me why I always used a sweet potato, and I said it was because it was firmer than a baking potato, so I had assumed it would be more effective – he said that he suspected my exploration was now going to go into painting with different varieties of potato.

We didn’t discuss the “Hate Dress” much, since we already talked about that at length in the drop-in tutorial a few weeks ago. But I updated him on my plans for the video which I am creating for the UAL fashion video awards – specifically the “Activism in a fashion context” category – which it seems to fit perfectly. The video will also be valuable documentation and will potentially be presented at other events, irrespective of the UAL award competition.

We spoke briefly about my research paper, and Jonathan highlighted a quote from one of the books which I had typed up on my blog; ‘The solidarity of a group provides the strongest protection against terror and despair, and the strongest antidote to traumatic experience. Trauma isolates; the group re-creates a sense of belonging. Trauma shames and stigmatises; the group bears witness and affirms.’ (page 313) I said that there was a lot in that book which resonated with me and I mentioned to him about my work with the Young European Movement on their campaign against gender-based violence, since I organised a collaboration with the Starving Artists Studio on a group exhibition. I commented that this activity had made me reflect on the importance of the solidarity of the group in empowering individuals to speak out about personal experiences of trauma and abuse. Jonathan got distracted for a while wandering around the VR exhibition and noticed the inclusion of an artwork by one of the students from last year’s MA Fine Art digital cohort. My artwork in this exhibition was my “Hate Dress” which is a response to online misogyny and cyber-violence against women, but Jonathan’s comments and emphasis on the quote made me reflect afterwards on why I have never made any work about my experiences of sexual assault. I think I am still wrestling with that trauma, and the associated shame and the stigma – but maybe I should use this opportunity of having group protection to explore and heal from these experiences.

We discussed how my art practice might develop after the course has finished and whether I can take the “Hate Dress” concept which is a very personal artwork, and adapt it for a community / group workshop activity. He suggested creating a partchwork quilt of collective words, and I reminded him that I had already done that as a workshop with my art collective in Bologna. But I would like to develop on that and do more activities with my art collective, Dare to Care who focus on mental health. However, I acknowledged the lack of opportunities / funding there seemed to be available for us to collaborate. I reflected that one of the strengths of the collective was our pan-European nature, but that it was also a weakness in the difficulty it presented in coming together and the travel costs involved. We’ve spent a lot of time working on many funding applications together which have been rejected and the group has lost its momentum. On a positive note, two members of the collective are participating in my portrait research project; Ania and Kristyna – which is a nice way to stay connected to them.